A Reject's Guide to High School

I was failing. Completely and hopelessly failing.

Did you ever feel like you were the most pathetic, worthless person in the world?

I did. I lived every single day thinking exactly that.

A worthless human being with nothing—not a single thing—to be proud of.

A failure, a loser, a nobody who had fallen behind in life. That was me.

But then came that day—the opening ceremony, when I became a second-year student in high school.

I was living my gray, colorless youth when she gently reached out her hand to me.

It was like a miracle.

So . . . it was probably fate.

It's okay, I don't think you're a failure at all, Akito.

She said this with a radiant smile.

Her smile was as lovely and beautiful as an idol's, making my heart skip a beat.

Hey, Akito?

She tilted her head.

Why don't you have any confidence in yourself, Akito?

Because I've never been better than anyone at anything.

Bad at studying, bad at sports, no real friends, unpopular with girls. Someone like me—a complete and utter failure without a single redeeming quality—couldn't possibly have any confidence.

That's nothing to worry about at all.

She gently shook her head.

After all, you can overcome any flaw if you put your mind to it.

Her smile seemed to shine with confidence.

No, it wasn't just my imagination.

Because she was the complete opposite of a loser like me.

Excellent grades. Athletic prowess. Popular with everyone and beautiful enough to steal the hearts of every boy in our grade.

She was the perfect girl.

See? That's why you shouldn't put yourself down like that. You need to have more confidence in yourself. Otherwise, don't you think you'll miss out on enjoying your high school life?

Her voice was gentle and sweet, and it resonated deep inside me.

It was like a scene from the first episode of a romantic drama or rom-com manga.

It was the kind of boy-meets-girl cliché of a beautiful girl appearing before the unremarkable protagonist.

Ah, how wonderful it would be to share my youth with such a perfect beautiful girl. For just a few seconds, I imagined a brilliant school life with her, and then, I looked into her beautiful eyes.

So . . . ?

Huh?

No, I mean . . . so?

Oh—um—so Akito, you should have a bit more confidence, then you'll have a wonderful school life . . .

. . .

Um, Akito?

Tsk.

Huh?

Are you screwing with me, you bitch?!

Huh?! What?!

The beautiful girl was completely thrown off by my sudden outburst.

No, look, it wasn't like that. I mean, come on. I had been a loser my whole life, right? So when she spouted that half-assed you can do it if you try garbage like some job hunting website commercial, I was taken aback.

Okay . . . ?

That was all I could really say.

Besides, I basically hated these types of people—the good-looking ones who were good at academics and sports. These winner types, you know?

When someone like her gave me that cheap sympathy, it ignited the inferiority complex burning in my gut like gasoline.

I sit here quietly listening, then you start spouting feel-good positive bullshit from your high horse. What's with the wonderful school life crap? Are you screwing with me?! Let me ask you something—have you ever considered the feelings of someone like me who's been treated like garbage, living in the shadows of privileged popular people like you since elementary school? Have you ever thought about how I felt when every girl in class called me a sex offender for absolutely no reason and I had to skip school for a week? It's not that easy to stay positive when you haven't lived the cushy life you have, you idiot!!

And just like that, my jealousy just trampled right over ethics and common sense, and exploded straight from my diaphragm.

Plus, you're one of those types, aren't you? The type who sees motivational quotes from big company CEOs or successful athletes online and tweets them out? The type who reads shallow garbage like "effort is the mother of success" with a straight face? You're exactly the type I hate most—the cool kids who have only ever walked on the bright side of life. You can never understand my feelings!!

You know, once I started, there was no stopping it.

My stream of abusive words just kept coming out.

Listen up carefully.

I jabbed my index finger sharply at her bewildered face.

No matter what anyone says, I'm a failure with nothing but flaws, a loser piece of trash who's constantly looked down on by others.

. . .

But that doesn't mean I'm going to admire winners like you, or try to become like you, or grovel and fawn over you. I'd rather die.

. . .

Instead, I'm going to dedicate myself entirely to dragging down winners like you. I'll stake my life on crushing your youth. Why? Because . . .

It was a beautiful, clear spring day.

Because I'm the lowest, most pathetic ressentiment-filled bastard there is. Serves you right, you bitch!!

My crude scream echoed freely with the scattering cherry blossoms . . . or not.

1

So after all that went down, months passed and the seasons changed, and now here we were after school with the distant sound of cicadas chirping.

In one of the rooms of the deserted school building on the edge of campus, I had finished telling Kaoru Onodera about what happened that spring, and she let out a deeply irritated sigh.

Ugh. Akito . . . You really are hopeless trash, aren't you?

She had glossy long hair and a slender figure that seemed to glow white. But most striking of all was her face—somewhat cold yet remarkably beautiful.

This girl with such lovely features then continued.

Just how stupid are you? Is your skull stuffed with sponge or something?

It was an extremely rude insult, to put it mildly. I thought about saying something back, but when I really thought about it, she was pretty much spot-on, so I couldn't make a sound. I mean, it wasn't like my skull was actually stuffed with sponge or anything. Though I never had an X-ray before, so I couldn't say for certain that it wasn't.

But anyway, the torrent of abuse I'd unleashed on that popular girl that day was stupid enough to deserve such harsh criticism.

Also, foolish actions always had consequences—that was the way of the world.

Because I'm the lowest, most pathetic ressentiment-filled bastard there is. Serves you right, you bitch!!

Five minutes after that piece-of-shit outburst . . .

S-sorry about that . . .

And there I was, practically pressing my forehead against the hallway floor in a deep bow.

Well, of course that was what happened. As I explained at length, I was a bottom-tier scum in every possible way, while that girl was someone on a pedestal. In this school, she was at top of the food chain in every aspect.

So, what would happen when you mouthed off to someone like that? The answer was obvious.

Her entourage of more than ten boys and girls came out of nowhere when they heard the commotion, flew into a rage, and beat the crap out of me, leaving me kissing the floor in the middle of a busy hallway.

At the same time, the name Akito Sayama—a piece of human trash—spread throughout the entire school in an instant.

Now everyone would frown the moment they saw me.

Even today, I was just walking down the hallway when the underclassmen girls pointed at me.

Ugh. Isn't that the guy who . . .

People around me started whispering like that and I was pretty sure that my classmates laughed at me behind my back.

When I told Kaoru about my current situation, she gave a brutally concise assessment.

You brought it on yourself. There's zero room for sympathy—it's almost refreshing.

Well . . . yeah. She was right, I guess.

First of all, Akito, that twisted loser attitude of yours is annoying. It's like they say—the weakest dogs bark the loudest.

She was absolutely right about that too, and I had no defense.

I mean, you don't have a single outstanding quality as a basic human being but then you have a terrible personality on top of that. Why? What kind of life do you have to live to become such a complete garbage of a person?

That was something I'd always wondered about myself. But Kaoru, your insults are getting a bit long-winded.

And the thing is, you—

Ugh! Enough already, shut up, shut up! You're nagging me relentlessly, but I'm completely defenseless—does it really make you that happy to rub salt on my wounds?!

When Kaoru's cutting insults became too much, I couldn't help but glare at her as she sat beside me on the sofa. She then looked at me with the disgusted expression of someone who had found a cockroach.

Hey, Akito. Let me ask you something instead—are you actually enjoying life with that completely screwed-up personality of yours? Don't you ever want to just die?

Sh-shut up, don't ask me such dark questions in that serious tone. If I start thinking too hard about it, I won't be able to sleep at night.

For what it was worth, I did have a somewhat sensitive side, so there were days when I looked back on how miserable I was and felt sad about it. The truth was, I got a little sad whenever I thought back to that incident with that girl.

Look . . . of course I get it. I understand that I'm a hopeless failure. But you know what? Even so, there's still a problem with society's tendency to call people like me trash or good-for-nothings.

Okay. But if you're not trash, then what would you be exactly?

Kaoru said, in a deeply lethargic, husky voice.

See, that's the thing. I'm not trash—I'm just a bit more honest than other people.

The moment I said that, her face twisted as if to say, "What's this guy talking about?" But more than that, her expression showed hints of being genuinely taken aback, like "Is this guy insane?"

However, being completely used to people's contempt, I didn't let such reactions get to me—I didn't back down, I didn't cry, and I didn't give up.

Think about it. The world is unfair, unreasonable, and unequal, right? There are bottom-feeders like me crawling around at the bottom of society, and then there are those obnoxious people who are out there enjoying life.

Well, I suppose that's how it looks from your perspective.

She nodded, though with a hint of condescension mixed in.

For example, when you see some stupid couple walking around all lovey-dovey and happy, don't you wish that the couple will mess up their birth control and screw up their lives?

Not particularly.

And when you see some stupid college students showing off how great their lives are on social media, don't you wish that they'll get caught up in some online drama and get publicly shamed?

Not particularly.

Okay, but when you see some celebrity at the height of their popularity who seems loaded with money, you'd at least want them to get caught up in some scandal and have their career ruined, right?

Not particularly.

It felt like I had just gotten three copy-and-paste responses in a row, but if I called her out on it, we'd never get anywhere, so I decided to let it slide.

See? That's my point. Everyone has these ugly feelings inside them. But everyone hides them because they're worried about protecting themselves and keeping up with appearances. In other words, they're lying to themselves.

In modern society, jealousy toward others was considered evil, which created this suffocating atmosphere where we were forced to approve of those who were better than us.

Ressentiment, in other words, was the jealous feelings that the weak harbored toward the strong. But society was harsh on losers like us. We, have-nots, had to bottle up our resentment toward the haves and instead praise them—or even worship them. That was the rule of this society.

What an unhealthy way to live. If this wasn't deception, then what would it be?

But I'm different from all those other liars. Even if people mock me as trash, I don't hesitate to spit on anyone who seems happier than me. Why? Simple. It's because I'm more honest and innocent than anyone else.

So basically, that whole incident with that popular girl was just an expression of my straightforward nature.

After I finished my logical explanation, for some reason Kaoru was looking at me with an even colder, absolutely frigid gaze than before.

When shamelessness reaches this level, it's almost impressive. You know, being around you is so unpleasant. You should just kill yourself immediately.

Huh? Kaoru, did you not listen to my highly empathetic self-justification speech? If you want, I could explain it again for you.

No thanks. I'm sick of your trashy pseudo-logic theories. The fact that you're calling it "self-justification" yourself shows you're doing it on purpose.

She looked at me with complete contempt.

Unfortunately, my story didn't seem to resonate with her at all. Well, that was understandable. After all, Onodera and I were fundamentally incompatible types of people.

Then, suddenly, Kaoru muttered under her breath.

Ugh . . . Why do I have to be stuck in this place talking to this loser?

While she was clearly contemptuous toward me, she also muttered a perfectly valid question.

There was a reason why we—who could hardly be called friends—were here after school at a place like this, practically sitting face-to-face, having this conversation. Though the details of those circumstances were still unclear to me.

That's what I'd like to know.

When I said that, Kaoru turned her tired-looking face toward the window. When I followed her gaze, I saw a lone girl by the window who could be called the source of this whole situation.

This girl, whose name I didn't know, had been silently listening to our conversation this whole time, and I didn't even know her name. It had been a while since we were brought to this remote part of the school building.

I wanted answers to these questions soon.

Hey.

Having started with that, I finally asked her directly.

So, what exactly do you want anyway?

She had blonde hair that shone white as if woven from moonlight, blue eyes like marbles, and a pure white hoodie that made her look like a snow rabbit. Her small, delicate frame had an innocent quality, like a flower bathed in pure water.

She turned toward me at my words.

There was something about her face that made her look like an angel.

◇◇◇

Someone said life was an accumulation of inevitabilities.

It was a suspicious, excuse-making kind of phrase, but on the other hand, it wasn't without a paradoxical ring of truth. In that case, was my being here like this also the result of inevitability?

No, that sounded like bullshit, too.

How did things even get to this point?

To explain what happened, I had to go back a little earlier.

It all started with a letter I found in my shoe locker after school today.

I have something I'd like to discuss with you, so please come to the Special Prep Room on the third floor of the Fourth South Building.

It was written in neat handwriting on fancy patterned stationery.

It was what you'd call a love letter—clichéd to the extreme by today's standards, but that was exactly why it was so appealing to a virgin like me.

Of course, receiving something like that couldn't help but raise my spirits.

So I headed to the designated location with a spring in my step.

The Fourth South Building. It was a run-down building located roughly at the midpoint between the high school building, where we usually spent our time, and the middle school division building.

Having entered high school through regular entrance exams, I didn't really know what the building was used for. According to the kids who graduated from the attached middle school, the building had just a few special classrooms that got used occasionally. The rest of the time, it was a place where people didn't usually hang around.

Looking back now, I should have been suspicious of a letter calling me to such a shady place.

But at that time, I was riding the highest wave of my life, so I couldn't think that far ahead.

Man, has my time finally come? Who would've thought that I, the famously unpopular virgin, would get a love letter? Damn, things are really going my way now, aren't they?

I was even thinking this might be the best day of my life.

At least until I reached the destination specified in that letter and had that terrible reunion with Kaoru Onodera.

Hey, Akito. I hate troublesome things.

At that time, I was just listening to Kaoru's lethargic voice in a daze.

That place was marked with a simple nameplate.

Special Prep Room

We stood in a corner of the dim, dusty hallway, right in front of a nameplate that read exactly that.

Not another soul in sight—we were completely alone in this place.

What do you think? Don't you ever feel like life is just one troublesome thing after another?

Kaoru stared at me with a chillingly expressionless face as she asked this.

Unable to answer either yes or no, I remained silent, and an eerily cold silence settled over us.

How did things turn out like this?

Even as I thought that, I steeled myself and opened my mouth.

Uh . . . well, look. Kaoru, just calm down for a second. I have absolutely no idea what the hell you're trying to do here.

What? Are you getting cold feet now?

I mean, yeah, I'm definitely getting cold feet, but . . .

That was when I learned for the first time in my life that track shoes had several fairly large spikes attached to their soles.

I learned this because, at that exact moment, she held her track spikes so close to my nose.

Um, hey, Kaoru? To be honest, this really isn't funny anymore, you know? Didn't your teachers ever tell you that even when you're just messing around, there are things you should and shouldn't do in this world? What's happening to Japanese education?

There won't be any problems as long as you don't try anything weird.

Kaoru spoke with a cold ruthlessness as she pressed the spikes toward me, cornering me against the grimy wall.

If I leaned my head forward even ten centimeters, my face would become a bloody mess full of holes—that was how dire the situation was.

I was absolutely terrified of those golden, pointed spikes glinting ominously at close range.

N-no, I mean, why exactly do I have to go through something this terrifying? That's what I'd like to know.

How shameless of you. When it comes down to it, this is all something you brought on yourself, isn't it?

Look, I don't have even the slightest memory of setting up some extreme S&M scenario like this, okay?

Actually, if there was some pervert out there who could get excited by this kind of situation, I wanted them to come forward. I was ready to trade places with them for free.

Anyway, I hate troublesome things.

Showing no sign of caring about my inner terror, Kaoru repeated the same words as before.

So I have no intention of listening to anything you have to say, and I don't care what kind of feelings you have toward me.

Uh, okay . . . ?

I had no idea what she kept on talking about. Did she hit her head really hard or something?

As I was thinking that, Kaoru continued.

Besides, I hate you anyway.

Huh?

Wait, wait—why were we even stating such an obvious fact? I mean, it was so obvious I wasn't shocked or anything at all.

As question marks floated around in my head, Kaoru dropped an even more shocking statement.

Well, you apparently have feelings for me.

What?!

I found myself staring intently at Kaoru's face. What I saw there were eyes as cold as absolute zero—devoid of any vitality or energy.

They seemed to be looking at somewhere far away from here, with a terribly weary expression.

So no matter how you feel about me, I won't go out with you. The reason is that it's too much trouble. The end.

And so, in that moment, I—Akito Sayama—got dumped by Kaoru Onodera.

Wait, wait, hold on . . . It made no sense.

If my memory served me right, I was supposed to be here—in this remote corner of the school called the Special Prep Room on the third floor of the Fourth South Building—to receive some kind of love confession.

But instead, the person waiting for me at that location was Kaoru Onodera—my bitter rival from middle school, someone I'd fought with tooth and nail.

And then, the moment we came face-to-face after so long, Kaoru looked disgusted, pulled track spikes out of her bag, shoved them in my face, and after that incomprehensible exchange, dumped me.

I repeat—this made no sense.

Was this a prank? Was this one of those confession pranks I heard rumors about? Did this school have some kind of malicious bullying problem?

Though for a prank, the guy with the sign announcing it's all fake sure was taking his sweet time showing up.

Just so you know, I hate stupid guys like you most of all—the ones who call girls out after school to confess.

Still trapped in my confusion, I could only listen as Kaoru spoke with contempt, her expression cold and stern.

If I ignore you, you'll just hold a grudge against me, and if I reject you, you'll probably keep pestering me—either way, it's annoying.

. . .

So when I have to deal with delusional guys like you, instead of rejecting you half-heartedly—

At that moment, the seven spikes before my eyes seemed to glint menacingly in the dim light.

I think psychologically castrating people like you this way is ultimately the most efficient method. When you're getting rid of cockroaches, it's faster to exterminate them from the nest, right?

Here I was, completely helpless in front of this psychotic woman who pulled out a weapon just because dealing with guys who confessed to her was too much trouble. Honestly, I couldn't stop shaking.

There were a lot of things I wanted to say, but let's just say, being casually compared to a cockroach was pretty rough on the psyche.

But seriously, what the hell was happening?

It was like Kaoru and I were playing Cat's Cradle, except we kept messing up the steps, and the yarn kept getting tangled up. Now we were stuck in a complicated mess.

So that's how it is, Akito. If you keep being persistent, I'll have to inflict even more psychological suffering on you—so what's it going to be?

Look, um, Kaoru.

My timid voice was probably trembling quite a bit.

There's been a misunderstanding, I think. Sure, maybe we didn't get along in middle school, but . . .

As I spoke, I found myself remembering all those disastrous interactions Kaoru and I used to have. In fact, this was the first time we'd spoken to each other since the winter of our first year.

I wouldn't say not getting along—that was just you picking fights with me one-sidedly, wasn't it? Hey, don't tell me that was your own twisted way of showing affection?

Look, please just listen to what I'm saying, okay? Looks aside, a psycho bitch like you? I would . . .

"Never," was what I was going to say. But my words were abruptly cut off because Kaoru lightly struck the wall right behind me with her spikes, scaring the hell out of me.

So you've been harboring inappropriate thoughts about me since middle school then.

That's some serious suppression of speech right there . . .

Then just tell me what specifically you found attractive about me, for reference.

Hey, are you seriously incapable of listening to people? Are you an old lady? A hard-of-hearing old lady who can't understand unless someone speaks really loudly . . .

I was about to continue, but my words were abruptly cut off again. Kaoru once more lightly struck the wall right behind me with her spikes, scaring the hell out of me. Oh, come on, not again.

Calling a girl an old lady is pretty rude. Is that like those elementary school boys who can't help but say mean things to girls they like because they're embarrassed? I hate childish guys like that.

Your positive thinking is a real pain in the ass! Just listen to what I'm saying! And I hate you too, right this moment!

Yeah, yeah. Well, either way, sorry but you're going to crash and burn. I don't understand people who spend all year going on about liking and disliking and love and all that crap.

Kaoru ultimately had no intention of listening to anything I had to say.

I mean, it's such a pain, isn't it?

Hearing her say that with such obvious weariness, I wondered if this was really how she'd always been.

Pain this, pain that—just how unmotivated are you? Even a good-for-nothing son who's been a NEET for five years would have more energy than you.

I want to live as easily as possible without any hardship. I'm always dreaming of the day I could retire and spend my golden years living comfortably on a pension.

She was counting on a pension she hadn't even started paying into yet . . . ?

Is there some problem with that?

No, I was just thinking your whole outlook is pretty trashy.

Well, on that front, I wasn't really one to talk.

I mean . . . you've been saying whatever you want this whole time, but I never asked you to come here in the first place.

What? Are you suddenly going to play dumb just because you got rejected? Don't you have any pride?

Hey, stop acting like you just dumped me. Listen carefully, okay? The thing I hate most in the world is women who think they're cute and act all stuck-up, and the stupid virgins who get fooled by those women and make them even more conceited. I wouldn't fall for someone like you even if you got on your hands and knees and begged.

All rejected men say that.

Is that really true?! You're definitely just making that up!

Well, from everything that had been said up to this point, even someone as dense as me understood that Kaoru had also been called here.

She was assuming I was the one who had called her out.

Look, anyway. You've been acting like I called you out here, but—

What? Are you still going to keep denying it? You really are a small man, aren't you?

Aargh! Damn it, you're so persistent! We can't get anywhere like this, so just accept it already! First, just accept the fact that I didn't call you out! Anyway—

As I said this, I nervously took out that letter from my pocket while still intimidated by Kaoru, who still had her spikes pointed at me. I unfolded the crumpled paper and thrust it at Kaoru.

Did you get a letter like this?

She looked blank for a moment, hesitating for a few beats before slowly reaching into her pocket. What came out was, as expected, exactly the same letter I had received.

I have something I'd like to discuss with you, so please come to the Special Prep Room on the third floor of the Fourth South Building.

The exact same handwriting and text. It looked like we had the original and a copy.

Hmm.

Kaoru seemed to instantly grasp what I was getting at, nodding with her expression unchanged.

So you're actually just a harmless normie who doesn't have any feelings toward me whatsoever?

That's right, but what's with the normie thing? You're a perfectly good normie yourself.

Actually, she was pretty famous nationally back in middle school, so maybe she wasn't exactly a normie? I didn't really know.

Anyway, now you understand that I wasn't plotting anything sinister and didn't call you here, right? You delusional woman.

Mm . . . Well, I kind of get the situation now.

As she answered, Kaoru seemed to relax slightly, and some of the harsh edge disappeared from her expression. But she still kept her spikes pointed at me.

But just so you know, if you call me a delusional woman again, I'll swat you like a fly. Okay?

I've never heard anyone say something like that . . .

Well, anyway. The only question left was what these identical letters to both Kaoru and me were really about.

It could be some kind of elaborate prank.

Do you know anyone who would pull that kind of prank on you?

When Kaoru asked me that, I tilted my head slightly.

I couldn't say it was absolutely impossible, but I didn't have any specific suspects in mind.

Kaoru didn't seem to have any ideas either.

Then who would do something like this?

Hell if I know.

In hindsight, this was all pointless to think about.

Since the letters Kaoru and I received told us to come to the Special Prep Room, it should have been obvious that whoever sent them would be waiting for us there.

Anyway while Kaoru and I were going back and forth in heated debate, hurling insults at each other, time passed.

Without any warning, the door to the Special Prep Room right in front of us opened.

And that person appeared.

Huh?

Oh?

Kaoru and I stared wide-eyed.

The culprit who had called us to this place came bursting out energetically.

If I had to describe her in the fewest words possible, it would be lovely yet eerie.

She had platinum blonde hair, skin as white as snow, and bright blue eyes. Wearing a white hoodie, her youthful figure looked somewhat younger than us—small and fragile, with a doll-like innocence that stirred some strange emotion in people.

As Kaoru and I held our breaths at the girl's appearance, she puffed out her chest with dignity and snapped her hand up in a salute.

I'm here!

. . . Wait, who the hell are you? I thought. This was what happened about ten minutes ago.